I’m not a lamp that you can switch on and off at your leisure. I’m a human being with thoughts and feelings. I took a breath, checked in with myself, and remembered exactly who I was-right now in this moment. The younger version of me that just wanted to be admired, desired, chosen, loved at all costs had panicked in case a “guy” I barely knew might abandon me. That part of myself that I thought I’d erased popped right back up this morning when I got that text. I had continued this pattern for years, tolerating shabby treatment due to my fear of abandonment, until I finally had my “aha!” moment and learned to let go of those people who had always taken advantage of my love and kindness, but never given anything back. The same temporary high I was feeling right now. It was the same temporary high I’d feel as an adult when a guy who wasn’t that into me suddenly called after ghosting me for weeks. If I called him, he’d never have much desire to talk and would often cut the conversation short. I’d go for weeks without hearing from him. My father had never been emotionally present, even more so after he’d walked out on us. I had often experienced this anxiety as a child. Respond quickly! Otherwise, it’ll be taken away from you” Therefore that person must care about you, want you, feel something for you, love you. It had said, “Hey! Someone paid you some attention. I realised that the little voice in my head had been giving me a signal, a warning. I dug deep, and tried to analyse what exactly had gone on here. I’d picked up my phone again instinctively, worried that this person might lose interest. The symptoms of anxiety that I had felt for that moment had happened without me realising it. I sat with myself and observed my physical reaction. But I couldn’t help noticing that for a split second, I’d almost considered replying to him.
#Aha moment drunk elephant plus#
Plus the fact that I’m actually in a happy relationship. Immediately, my logical mind kicked in, reminding me that I was genuinely not interested in this guy, that I barely knew him, and that he hadn’t even been on my radar for the past two years. My heart quickened and my stomach flipped a little as I picked up my phone again ready to start typing. I felt a familiar flutter of excitement-substantially more diminished than it would have been a few years ago, but it was undeniably there. A weak attempt at starting a conversation without actually starting one, so the other person has to make the effort to keep it going. The classic “I’m bored, drunk, and away from home, checking that you’re still available to me” text.
The last time I’d heard from him was exactly two years ago when he texted me out of the blue, wanting to know what I was up to and whether I was still single. Such was my low sense of self-worth back then that I allowed this to go on for quite some time before it naturally fizzled out. It continued for a few years-even after he’d met his partner, during which he would pretty much treat me like some kind of ‘horny chat’ phone line whenever he felt like it. It became a text relationship we’d engage in late-night naughty texts and the occasional intimate phone call. He’d been to a few of my band’s gigs and we’d caught each other’s eye, chatted, exchanged numbers but never got round to physically dating. This was not an ex-boyfriend by any means. I’d just woken up, settled down with my fresh morning coffee, and turned my phone on, ready to interact with the world. I picked up my phone and my heart skipped a little.
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